Cartoon Villains
by Thingy Person
Summary: Radiant Dawn has many cartoon villains. Except Radiant Dawn is not a cartoon.
1. Uwee hee hee!

"Uwee hee hee! What do we have here?"

Ranulf whinced. _If am to be captured by a band of laguz hating fanatics, at least spare me this guy._

Everyone makes mistakes. Ranulf considered this confirmed when he stupidly attacked a disciple when he was halfway through his transformation. Tauroneo had made the mistake not to leave his post to rescue him because he was morbidly obsessed with maintaining the wall he, Ulki and Nephenee had made (as if Elincia dies in one hit. I mean, seriously.) Ranulf was swarmed, reverted, and suffered a humiliating defeat.

So yeah, here he was, dragged off by two enemy swordmasters to meet their extremely ambiguous leader. Ranulf had no idea why they'd kidnap him over just putting him to death on the spot. Part of him hoped that Valtome was being overconfident, and that Tibarn's group could come to save him any minute. Another part of him figured that Valtome had something in store for him that's _worse_ than death. Now that he was thrown before him and looking at said person's incredibly hideous mug, however, Ranulf had lost his ability to think.

"Little subhuman", the manwoman began. His/her/its voice could be mistaken for either a woman in her 80s or a middle-aged pedophile (see: Danved/Devdan/etc). Maybe Valtome – _it_ – was both.

"you are very fortunate that you have been brought here! Uwee hee hee!" _Fortunate? What for?_ Ranulf couldn't help but feel curious, but he only hissed in return. That chuckle could disgrace a proposal. The disciples around him pounced back a little. Not good for international relations, but Ranulf couldn't care less, seeing as almost everyone had been turned to stone.

"Uwee hee hee! Haven't you noticed how we have managed to overcome our prejudices?" For a few moments, Ranulf felt a shimmer of hope. After all, they had dragged him all the way here – on his bare arms, while wearing no gloves – while most Begnion soldiers hardly dared poke a laguz with a sword. But then he figured that anything even remotely kind the senator – _it_ – had ever said had been ridiculously backhanded.

"That's right! We have relinquished our initial objections to – Uwee hee hee! – engaging in physical contact with your species." _What? Something about that sounds horribly wrong. And my hunches are usually dead on. _"And that's why I have decided to, in commemoration of this grand resolution, grant you some closure, which you so very deserve!" Valtome's face hadn't changed during the whole speech.

_I don't get it_, Ranulf pondered with an increasingly worried expression. _I know beorc are weird, but are they just going to cuddle me?_ "Now, disciples; 'tend' to our captive! Uwee hee hee..." That last chuckle made Ranulf realise. The swordmasters behind him began to snigger. His tail shot up in distress. _No, that's sick! Why would they do that?!_ Ranulf didn't have time to get his act together and try to escape, as a blow to the back of his head knocked him to the ground. Through the haze in his mind, he could vaguely feel his pants being pulled down as they were getting ready to violate his body. _Tibarn...someone...help me...._ In a last-ditch attempt to plead for mercy (as if _it_ ever knew any), Ranulf lifted his face up to meet Valtome's. That's when he noticed that the senator had unveiled its frontside.

The brutality that was being done to him wasn't even necessary; for Ranulf, this sight was enough to scar him for life.

_Uwee hee hee...Uwee hee hee...Uwee hee hee..._

* * *

_Very short, and it makes no sense. Why oh why would I upload this? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that the senators are typical cartoon villains who I think wouldn't be afraid to do even _that,_ that horror and parody make an awesome combination, and that it's always girls who write disturbing fics about guys getting raped. That means I just figured out Valtome's gender!_

_So yeah, I lost some of my dignity writing this. I think I need a hug._


	2. Burn in Hell

_Oh god, another one. No spoilers concerning the Black Knight's identity, but there's a lot of little spoilerrific details, seeing as it's a scene late in RD...

* * *

_"Impressive! Very impressive!"

Admitting defeat, the Black Knight withdrew from his battle stance and planted Alondite into the ground before him. He seemed unphazed by the battle he had just lost.

Confused, Ike lowered Ragnell. "You're giving up?"

"Giving up? I've already lost."

Behind the wall of blue flame, Tibarn grew more anxious each second. _Come on, kill'm, kill hiiiiiim_

The Vanguard lifted his sword onto his shoulders. "So...we can pass?" Tibarn facepalmed.

The Black Knight twitched in annoyance, but kept his cool. "Yes. You've surpassed me. I am at your mercy."

"Oh", Ike said. "Um...so will you, like...I dunno, join us?"

"_Ike_!", Mist shouted. _Have you gone crazy?! He tried to kill us! _

However, it didn't seem as though the two warriors could hear what went on at the other end of the wall. Ike had his back turned toward his friends, but the Black Knight saw their indignant reaction, relieved to find that it is only his arch nemisis who was displaying utter lunacy. He glanced at Mist, recalling his past discourtecy toward Ike's sister. _"Ah, Gawain's daughter. Now I can pull out the entire family tree by root."_

"Why would you request such a thing of me? Am I not your worst enemy?"

Ike broke out a warm smile. "Truth to be told, I was overjoyed when I heard you were still alive."

_For the love of- All I want is a fitting end, and you disgrace me with misplaced gestures of comradery?!_

The Black Knight formulated a new plan. "Very well, my loyalty is yours." Ike stepped forward to shake hands. The others were outraged.

"This doesn't make sense!", Skrimir exclaimed. "I thought the puny beorc wanted to see blood!?" He looked at Soren, hoping for a confirming reaction, but the mage simply averted his gaze, determined to support Ike in all of his decisions.

"We need all the help we can get", Nailah reasoned. She had said the exact same thing in Oliver's mansion, an act of compassion even she regretted.

"That armor...", cited the hulking senator. "...we mustn't pass judgement until we see it removed! Why, under that armor, there could be something _beautiful_-" His expression lit up in excitement. "Maybe even a female!"

But Ike didn't care for their bickering. He was focused solely on the Black Knight. His left hand slid around the Knight's ebon gloves, tracing the lines of the rough hand through its clothing. _I've been chasing after you for so long, but now I've finally found you... _His eyes went damp.

The Black Knight smirked behind his helmet, enduring Ike's unrequited affection. _Yes...arouse me. I will need it._ His eyes were focused on someone other than Ike. He revered at the sheer wickedness of the deed he was planning.

"Master Ike, we must hurry on." He hoped breaking this tender moment wouldn't dim Ike's passion too much. _It's best for his mind to be as distracted as possible..._

The wall of flames faded. The blue-haired swordsman started at his companions' angry voices. The Black Knight stepped back quickly as Ike was swarmed with his friends, some of them throwing a resentful glare his way every now and then. The secret admirer tried desperately to reason with the numerous people verbally attacking him. Soren watched from a distance, his face showing no emotion, except a slight concern for Ike's physical well-being.

--

"Ike! Haar fumbled the western defence! We need to pull back!" The heron prince wasn't one for shouting, but hardened from the many battles, he had learned to discard his composure if he really needed to.

Ike rubbed his chin pensively, and looked over the gravity defying corridors. "Hmm...there's a narrow passage ahead. We _could_ wall them off there, but we need as many strong units up front as possible. What do you think, Soren?" No reply. "...Soren?"

The warriors glanced at eachother questioningly. Soren was gone. He was right behind Ike moments ago. Skrimir started pacing around, and searched the tower's oversized interior with his dull eyes to try and catch a glimpse of the mage. The rest gradually followed his example.

After half a minute had passed, Mist shot up. "The Black Knight's missing!", she cried in horror.

* * *

_Uh-oh..._

_Is anyone else frustrated over the BK's extreme change of personality between PoR and RD? I know RD has enough cartoon villains already, but goddamn, honourable!BK is no fun at all._

_This leads to fics like Let Me Burn, where the author disregarded that change completely. I would've preferred it that way, even if it leads to a verrry unsettled Soren..._


End file.
